Major Complaint

Major Complaint

Open letter to all world governments and all you fu*ktards up on top messing up the planet.

I know you’all have something for lists and as I am a busy guy (y’know, going to and fro), I will use one. I am aiming for clarity here. After all, we can’t have people escaping their due rewards on a technicality.

1. You are making too much noise up there and it’s getting so we can’t here ourselves scream from toasting in the fires anymore. You are way too loud. Screaming from pleasure shouldn’t be louder than screaming from pain. Duh!

2. We are getting headaches down here from you stomping all over the place up there. Partying it up, blowing each other up, drilling everywhere you see a hint of “shiny black”, then being cry babies when things go wrong? WTF!

3. All those Beyoncé wannabes need their vocal cords cauterized. They need to leave the torturing to me. Their lame a*s attempt is lowering the worth of the word alright? When people start using the word lightly like in “Oh. He’s torturing my ears”, it is just plain annoying for perfectionists such as myself. That’s not torture, that’s just more noise. And ain’t nobody got time for that. Shout out to Beyoncé, Nikki and Yeezus. I am a huge fan. In fact I am a groupie. I hope we get to meet. But bring your own big daddy chairs OK? Only so much ego can fit in the one I have down here and yours truly is already in occupation. (More people on that list, but I don’t want to bore you with my own personal playlist).

4. Global warming is real. How else do we explain things are getting slightly cooler down here? What are we going to have next at this rate? People down here getting brain freeze on badly mixed pina colada?

5. Stop digging around so much in the earth crust for oil. You are putting pigs to shame and the sound is driving us crazy and we don’t like the loose soil and rocks fallen through on our heads. Not to talk of the oil. Which is not of the right quality for basting sinners you know? It may sound ironical, but Crude is too flammable even if I say so myself. What we aim for down here is a “slow burn”. After all, what’s the hurry. We have got eternity to burn (pun intended). 

6. By gosh, if one more person accuses me wrongly I am coming up there to cause a major raucous. If I did all those things I have been accused of, I had be omniscient and where does that leave us? Two Gods ruling in the affairs of men? Common, get real!

7. When you die, your a*s is mine. Literarily. So show some respect now and stop writing my name with a small “d”.

8. Which one of those fu*kboys you call presidents is going to unleash the dragon, sorry, a nuclear weapon first? Frankly, I am not seeing the sort of foot traffic I expect down here for the level of debauchery going on up there. My money’s on that little fu*ktard over in North Korea who has a “bad hair day” every day. I think I should go press his buttons a little harder.

9. And if you don’t like my tone, I’m sorry, frankly I don’t fu*king care. If you end up down here, my tone would be the least of your problems. In fact, I would be aiming for perfect pitch from you while you scream in pain and terror. 

10. One last thing, the Internet has become too slow down here and it’s disrupting my ability to monitor what you’all doing up there. The NSA has got nothing on me. So I need someone really smart to come take a look. The smart as*es down here are just such cry babies! A little pain and they can’t clean the snort off their faces long enough to run even a simple DDOS attack. Bill, Jeff, Richard, Larry my man!, Mark, Elion, Eric, any one? Any takers? Don’t keep me waiting. 

The fact is I don’t like the idea of the “second coming” any more than you sinners. But that shit’s going to happen sooner or later, but in the meantime, “can we all just get along?”

Signed. 

The Big D with the big D. (If you don’t like my title, go jump off some tall bridge, I’ll be waiting for you)

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4 Responses to Major Complaint

  1. Ìdílèké says:

    Hmmmmm. Dear writer. You are really upset with alots of things going on around you. Wait first, do you know that you can as well relocate(lol) or maybe press the right buttons of the people you know who could make things work.
    Did you not vote? Pay taxes? Then freedom of expression? Common dear, think of converted things to be done.
    I don’t know you BUT I think you are intelligent and smart. Get things done for your generation. You might be the Awolowo of our time.

    Don’t waste your pen only by writing. Do something. I can’t speak big grammar like yours but in this simple English, you will understand me.
    Start from your environment, how do you relate with people to bring them together to fight this together or are you part of the people with tinted windows? Laughing.

    Anyway, calm down. Keep writing and let actions follow it. You too might be in power one day oooo. Yoruba would say:

    “Iya odo oto
    Omo odo oto
    Awon mejeeji ni won parapo
    Ti won fi so isu di iyan.”

    I will not translate this to you. I will leave you to find out the meaning incase you are not a Yoruba fellow.
    Everyone is really angry but, we shall continue to plead.
    “Bi olosun won koba rarin weyin
    Afaimo ki olokun Mase gbe won lo.”

    Day of reckoning is closer. Peace to your heart dear. Very very soon, we shall all smile.
    Don’t loose hope. Just pray for good health. We shall all be happy someday.

    Mind you, all the ass, fuck and the rest you mentioned, will not change the fucking situation.
    So stop using them my dear writer. Till I come your way again. Stop using ass and fuck words.
    Smile……..

    • aitayemi says:

      Thanks Idileke. But I think you missed something I thought was obvious (I guess not). It’s written from the point of view of the devil (satan) in his “crib” down under (not Australia:-)

      • Idileke says:

        Next time, make is easier to comprehend Sir / Ma. Consider this kind of reader too who likes to read articles or write-ups.
        Smile****

  2. Damilola says:

    Then I don’t understand your point. Maybe too much for me to comprehend.
    Sorry for the comments if hurts.

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